the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
