I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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