My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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