I can tuck mytits in my pants
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
