So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
