my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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