yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
