Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize