I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize