Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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