I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
