this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
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