then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
