This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
