I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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