Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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