This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
