She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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