Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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