The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
