So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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