I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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