My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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