I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
