So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
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