I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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