If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
