I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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