I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Randomize
