I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I didn't notice because vodka
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
