dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
