somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
