Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
