Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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