Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
