Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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