i just sent this text using only my big toe
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
