He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
