I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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