I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
