Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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