Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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