Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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