just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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