I smell stomach acid.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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