I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
