I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Randomize