On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
