i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
