She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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