don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
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