No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize