Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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