I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
