you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
