overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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