My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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