I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
time to smoke my breakfast
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
