Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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