my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
